Past Lives
by JustSomebodyCalledMe
Summary: “So I guess this means...” she spoke softly because she knows what his answer will be, she knows that after tonight there was nothing that would keep them together any longer. Lit.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hi everbody, I know it's been a while. This is like the first chapter of a complete new story, it's not very long because I wanted to get some reactions first. See if you like it. So please let me know something so that I know if I should continue.

Thanks, Justsomebody  
  
Feedback: 

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"So I guess this means..."  
  
She spoke soft because she knows what his answer will be, she knows that after tonight there was nothing that would keep them together any longer. She now realized she loved him with all her heart and she betrayed him, he trusted her and she betrayed him. After everything that's been said and done she knows there's nothing that would make him stay.  
  
"Yes...we're over"  
  
There he said it, he made it final. Tears that she was holding back were streaming down her face. There was a long endless silence and he just looked at her, she tried to see what he was thinking but she didn't have a clue.  
  
"I'm sorry"  
  
The words he heard so many times this night seemed to be real now. This is the moment he knew would come, he just wished it wasn't this soon.  
  
"Yeah me too"  
  
And then he turns around and leaves her standing at their little secret place. He was feeling weak, she made him weak...it was like she took his heart, smashed it on the floor and stepped on it a thousand times. He had to leave, go away to some place nobody where nobody knows him.  
  
He's getting further and further away from her and she knows she won't be able to stop him. He came back from California for her and she was more than happy. He told her how he felt and put all his pride aside just to tell her and off course she melt again, she told him she loved him too and they fell into each others arms. It seemed like there was nothing in the world that could hurt either one of them but that's not true. She hurt him, the one person he least expected it from. It was one of those days when everything seems perfect from the moment you wake up, the sun is shining through your window, the radio is playing your favourite tune and the man you love is serving you coffee with a kiss that lasts a whole day. But this day was different, it started the same but it ended horrible. And now it's all over.

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Feedback: 


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note:

Hi everybody, this is the second chapter already, it's still short but I'm trying to write longer ones. But I liked this ending so I decided to keep it this way. I will not yet reveal what happend that night so I'm trying to keep the story interesting. (hopefully I'm doing a good job at that) So enjoy and please review!

> Justsomebodycalledme.

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_"I love you"  
  
My heart stops beating for a while because I know he means it, he means it.  
I can see he's shocked of his own outburst and I think he's somehow ashamed of it. Before I can give any kind of reaction he's turning to take a step in the opposite direction of her.  
  
"Don't you dare to walk away from"  
  
I knows that what I'm doing is wrong. I stepped back into her life without any permission... I tell her I love her without any permission. It wasn't suppose to be like this, I wasn't suppose to tell her but now I did and for the first time in my life I'm willing to take responsibility.  
  
"Then what should I do? What do you want me to do? I just made a complete fool of myself and all I wanna do right now is vanish. So tell me what should I do?"  
  
I have to make up my mind, I have to tell him right now I want to make things work. But I'm just afraid to rely on him again.  
  
"I don't know...I'm scared Jess, I'm so afraid you will leave me again. So I guess what I need is for you to convince me otherwise"_

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That was the night that's still clear in her mind. He convinced her, he told her all the simple words she needed to hear and they agreed to take things slow. But that was a long time ago, a lot has changed, a lot can change over a year. After that night, when things got completly out of hand, she was doing her best to move on. And now she has. She found this amazing new guy and even though there are parts of her that are still lingering in forgotten memories, she is starting to love him. She has only met him a couple of times, she doesn't know anything about him. Maybe she's falling in love with the familiar feeling, he reminds her of Dean and the safe and secure feeling he gave her. Today it's been half a year since he left, since he left me here dealing with all these unsatisfied feelings and emotions. I still wonder how I could've been so stupid, to let something wonderful like that go. To give it up for something I never wanted in the first place. I am the only one to blame, I invited him to talk about it, to talk about all of it. The expression on his face I can still see clearly, more clearly than the vision of the book lying in front of me. He's the reason why I'm sitting here, in the Yale library. I would have gone to Harvard but I wanted to be close to him, never leave him. I wanted to work on the crazy thing we had going on, the crazy but amazingly beautiful thing. Not long after that she went looking for another book and while she was trying to read the titles she stumbled against another man, a man that would become a Chris, a Chris that would become a boyfriend. She tried to push him away at first because she was hoping Jess would still come back for her just like he did 2 times before. But she started liking Chris more and more and she slowly came to the realization Jess was never comming back, at least not for her.  
  
Chris is a very decent man from a little town near Denver, he comes from a good wealthy family and off course had some kind of connection with her grandparents, she found out later. His parents are still together and he has one sibling called Francis. She had met her a couple of times before and their conversation were usually made by chatting for hours on the phone. She had told her about her brothers best friend, about how hot he is and how she got attached to him more and more every day. Rory thought it was kind of sad because she knew how much Francis really liked him even though she never said it out loud.  
  
Tonight is her 10th date with Chris and she knows he has something important to ask her. She knows it must be something special because Francis came all the way from Denver. All evening Francis has been helping her to get dressed, help her doing her make up and stuff like that_._

_ "You look beautiful"  
  
He can't even begin to imagine how long I've waited to hear those words from him.  
  
"Thank you"  
  
A slight smile appears on his face and for the first time I see this shy little boy who's waiting for me to take the first step. This is our first date after he left and although we agreed to take things slow I know that it will be difficult.  
  
"I didn't do it all by myself though, I have a lot to thank Lane for"  
  
Again, that sweet shy smile.  
  
"Ready to go?" _

_"More than ready"_


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Third chapter already! This story is moving along quite fast. Hope you still like it, let me know if you do and let me know if you don't. In other words: Please review!

Justsomebodycalledme.

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_I made it final, I was the one who spoke the words. I didn't have a choice, she left me no choice she chose someone else but me. When I turn around to see if she's still standing there, I see she broke down and is sitting on the icy cold floor. I hate myself for this, I never should've come back. Everything was perfect before I left in the first place, they weren't perfect but we could've worked on that with my grades and all. There is always some reason to feel not good enough and I thought she would reject me for it. But I left I returned for my own sake. I told her things for my own sake and eventually she is the one who has to pay for it again. That's how it suppose to be, I'm suppose to be the one where everbody can put all the blame, that's my part in our 'relationship' But this time it's different, this time it's her fault. It could've been her mother, Luke, Lane, Dean...God even her grandmother didn't want them two to be together. But it wasn't any of the above, it was her. She was the one. Yeah she was, the one for him and the one who made sure there last day has been counted and the one who made sure there was never a them anymore._  
  
After that night he didn't know where to go, should he go back to his father where he ended things more abruptly then with her. Or maybe he should look for his mother and live with her and one of her new boyfriends. He didn't choose either one of those options, instead he went to the busstation and got on the first bus that arrived, his destination would be a surprise but he didn't mind, as long as he got away. The ride took longer than he expected and every memory of them found it's way to his heart mind and veins, she was inside of him and he was unable to block her out. Only the cold window reminded him that he was still on earth but all he wanted to do is turn back time and fly away with her. She hurt him big time and even though he wanted to hate her, he couldn't. He couldn't hate her, he still loved her and there was a small voice in his head telling him that he always would.  
  
"Excuse me, sir...is this seat taken?"  
  
That was just what he needed, somebody to make a nice and chatty conversation with, talk about the weather or how terribly long this ride was.  
  
"Yes"

"Oh, I'm sorry I'd bothered you, I guess I can stand in the back of the bus"  
  
That's when he realized the bus was completly filled with bussinessman and childeren. The only seat available was the one next to his.  
  
"Sir, you can sit here"

"Thanks"  
  
A slight smile appeared on his face, not wanting to start the conversation so soon.  
  
"So where are you going?"

"Wherever this bus takes me"

"I'm sorry for my cheerful behavior, it's just that...shall I tell you?"

"Sure"  
  
At least this way he wouldn't have to talk to him and he could just pretend to listen, show a smile every once in a while.  
  
"Well today I've gratuaded at Yale and even though....."

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_"I'm going to Yale"_

_ "Yale? What happend with Harvard?"_

_ "Well...Yale is closer to home so I can get here every weekend and this way you can visit and my mom can visit. Plus there are great teachers"  
  
I have the strange feeling she's going to Yale because of me, I don't know why but it just feels that way. Then I simply kiss her, feeling her hands slipping around my waist and falling in love with the closeness of her all over again. I love her. It took me some time to realize, to realize she's not one over the others, she's special and she's mine. She chose to be mine, she walked away from the safe and secure inviorment Dean was giving her and she chose the unstable thing I had to offer._  
  
_"Jess, I have to tell you something but you have to promise me you don't freak out"  
  
Telling me this has already freaked me out.  
  
"Okay" _

_"I...I love you"_

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She did freak him out but he didn't pay attention to it because he wasn't ready for that sort of thing , instead he kissed her again and she deepend the kiss slowly and sloftly. They never slept together, she had somebody else for that. Heartache liberated him from the memory and the man that was sitting beside him asked him if everything was fine.  
  
"Where are you running from?"  
  
He looked at him with a question wheter he was trying to be funny or if he was serious.  
  
"I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked that. Do you have a place to stay?"  
  
Again he shot him a look with the same question.  
  
"Look I'm not hitting on you okay, I have a lovely girlfriend so don't be afraid. Like I told you before I'm in a good mood and you look like you don't have a place to stay. Hell you don't even know where you're going, let a long a place to stay"  
  
"No, no I don't have a place to stay"  
  
"Well you seem like a good guy so I'll let you stay for a while. I have a small guesthouse so you can stay there."  
  
"Thanks"  
  
"By the way I'm Chris"  
  
"Jess" That day in the bus, Chris probably saved his life, if he didn't get that offer he might live in some crappy apartment with a crappy job, trying to scramble his food together. He still has a crappy job but at least he has some comfortable place to stay. The first couple of days he tried to stay in the guesthouse so that nobody would notice him and that he would be left alone. Then Chris came to 'visit' him and give him something to eat.  
  
"You can join us for dinner tonight if you want to" 

"No thank you"

"Okay, that's fine"  
  
Chris turns to walk away from him and then he realizes, Chris looks kind of hurt and then it hits him that he isn't being very grateful. After everything he has done for him he's being a jerk and reject dinner.  
  
"Chris..."

"Yeah"

"Does the offer still stands?"

"Sure"

"What time do we eat?"

"At six"

"Okay...and Chris..."

"Yeah"

"I really appreciate what you're doing for me"

"That's OK"  
  
Later that day he first met his girlfriend Ally. She was not very tall and had long blonde hair, her eyes were dark brown and she had a very cheery voice. She was nothing like Rory, she wasn't very attractive either but it didn't matter, she made him feel comfortable and that was what he needed.  
  
Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. He got more and more attached to Chris, he became his friend but he never told him the reason why he was on that bus, he never asked either. He met his sister Francis and he soon found (that's what Chris told him) that Francis liked him more than just a friend. But he wasn't ready, he didn't want to be ready. When he woke up one morning Ally was gone, Chris told him she packed her bags and left, she had found another. He told Chris he was sorry to hear that but Chris told him it didn't matter, things weren't working out between them anyway. It had been going on for a while, they fought constantly and one day when he was back at Yale to take care of some things he met another woman, someone who was in his eyes the most beauitful creature ever created. Jess simply laughed at his comment, not knowing that he subconsciencely agreed with him.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note; Next chapter is up! Hope you enjoy it and please review!

to Cellardoor: I love that song too, I love the lyrics of that song. But as usual I forget the disclaimers. I always do that...can't help it!

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When she returned from their dinner, she knew a whole lot more about him, she wasn't sure wheter she liked that part.

He let some complete stranger into his home just because he felt, the guy needed it.

It's nice but she also thought it was kind of dangerous...what if he was some kind of psychopathic killer?

She knew that she was talking crazy, Chris wasn't the kind of person who would do something like that, he wouldn't let somebody enter his home when he knew it would be dangerous.

Apperently Chris had been right, the guy is one of his best friends right now.

He says, he's the most reliable,nice and trustworthy guy he has ever met.

She loves him for that, for his kindness...actually, she's starting to love all of him.

_"I think I may have loved you"_

_I know I did, I still do. He's the one I love and probably always love._

_I don't know if I'll ever be able to love another, but he betrayed me and he left without any notice, he left me here dealing with all these emotions. I never meant to say those words on the phone, I wish I could've told him in person, I was ready for it._

_I was ready to say those words but before I got a chance he decided to leave._

The diner went different then she expected, she wasn't prepared on his question but in a way, she was.

He asked her if she would spent the weekend with him in Boulder.

She didn't know if she was ready but when she saw the expression on his face (and the expression on Francis's face, who was standing behind him in a corner of the restaurant, trying to be invisible)

She knew she couldn't say no.

And that's why she's here, sitting on the bus next to Chris sinking away in her thoughts, an hour before her arrivel.

"You seem a little nervous"

"No...I'm fine, just thinking"

"About what?"

"Nothing"

The truth was, it wasn't nothing, it was everything.

Falling in love again felt like she betrayed Jess all over again, she still wasn't over him. A part of her was still wandering of what they might have had if things went different.

It wasn't fair to Chris to have these feelings but on the other hand, she had to stop it.

Jess was gone and he was never coming back, she would never see him again.

_When was it I fell in love with him? The first time I met him, the first time we discussed a book, when he outbit Dean? I don't know, cause the truth is that I can't picture a time when I wasn't in love with him. I never thought or even hoped that I could find someone to love that would love me back unconditionally. _

She never thought she would be the one to say "I'm sorry", she never thought that she would be the one of all people to bring him down.

Sometimes when she lays in the dark, she wonders if he ever thinks of her.

"Rory is everything okay?"

"Huh...what?"

"Is everything okay, you're not nervous are you?"

"No, no, I was just...I was just thinking."

"What were you thinking about?"

"This"

Her lips softly brushed his and she mumbeled an I love you against his lips, words he repeated sheepish.

"We're here"

Yes they were, they finally arrived in Boulder, a little town near Denver. A town that would make a chance in her life, a dramatic chance.

Maybe too soon, maybe too late.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Author's note: Hi everybody....I can't believe this is the fifth (I think) chapter already. Please review and hopefully you consider the story still interesting. I have big plans for this story but I'm not sure if I can put them on paper in the right way. So please review and let me know what you think.**_

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Today was the day he would met his girlfriend, the one he spoke so highly about, the one for him, the one he couldn't live without. The one who was the reason that Chris started to drive Jess nuts.

He was annoyed by it but didn't make any attempt to stop him from doing it, he knew that once he was exactly like that. He couldn't stop talking or thinking about one specific girl and now Chris was doing the same.

He wanted to feel that way again, like you can concur the world while you're looking at the one who you're in love with. But on the other hand, he was scared for it, he didn't want that feeling again. What if he got hurt again, like the time before?

But then there was Francis, someone who in a way all made it seem worth while. He knew that she wasn't Rory, his first love, but she was there. Rory was past time, he somehow found a way to get past her, to let everything rest. He has Francis to thank for it. He never told her about Rory but she somehow said the right things at the right time and that way she helped him.

"_At some point in your life you realise that everything of which you thought was or could be a problem, isn't all that bad. That it was just a step forward to something better."_

_After she said it, I knew she was right, what if everything that has happend between me and Rory was all just a horrible step to something better for the both of us? I mean, I'm here, I have a job, a great living place, great friends. What else do I want or need? _

"_Jess"_

_I have a feeling she's going to tell me what everybody else told me before._

"_I know you came with a huge package but we all have a past, some aren't that great and some aren't really that bad. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that, even if I don't know all the details about yours I will accept it for the way it is and what I'm also trying to say is..."_

_I cut her off by pressing my lips against hers. The sweet female taste I haven't tasted in a year, the greater things in life. _

That's how they started their 'thing' because he still doesn't know what they have going on. He's trying not to fall in love with her because he's afraid she will do the same. But he knows it's too late for that, he had already fallen but he wasn't ready to admit it, not yet.

It's late in the afternoon, Jess and Francis' make out session is interrupted by an opening door. There he is, with a big wide smile on his face. It's the same kind of smile Jess is walking around with for the last couple of days. They straighten their clothes hoping not Chris nor his new girlfriend would see what they were doing, but there are trades that are still visible

"Hey you two lovebirds I want you to meet my new girlfriend"

The woman that appeared behind Chris had a huge smile on her face, a smile that faded as soon as she saw who Francis new boyfriend is. Jess didn't notice her, not until his new girlfriend yelled:

"Rory, you're finally here!!!"

That's when he came to the realisation that everything in his life might be turned up side down again, only this time he wasn't the one who caused it.

"Rory, honey, is everything okay?" "Huh, yeah I'm fine"

She couldn't let him know that his sister's new boyfriend was the one she was still secretly in love with She introduced herself to him like he was some kind of stranger and when his hand touched hers she knew it wasn't going to be easy to keep pretending.


	6. Chapter 6

It was like a nightmare coming true. You could see it on their faces, not only hers but his as well. He was shocked to see her, to hear her voice again, to see her panic. For her it was exactly the same, at the sound of his voice she shivered, at the sight of his dark brown eyes she trembled, at the feeling of his touch she felt numb. How could this happen? How could they, in the end, still end up with each other? Well that wasn't true, they weren't together.

A week passed and nobody seemed to notice, they knew each other of some time ago. They didn't act like it either, nothing had ever happend between them, nobody knew about their past togheter. They just avoided each other and when they didn't have another choice, they just kept up the act. They kept the conversatons light, talks about the weather and about the news. As long as they didn't have to remind themselves of a year before.

At night she layed awake, trying to figure things out. She felt the person beside her wrapping her arms around her and every memory she blocked out came back. The reason why things happend, how they had happend and how they ended. She never truly believed it but she was the reason she's here, if it hadn't been for her, Chris wouldn't be the man lying beside her.

"_So you wanted to talk to me, spill it" _

"_Dean, can't we just be civilized about this?"_

"_Look, I thought you were finally over that jerk and now you're going to tell me that after everything he did, you're back together with him?"_

_I know that at some point he's right, he was a jerk but I truly believe he has changed._

"_Dean he wasn't a jerk and yes I'm back together with him, I love him" _

"_No Rory, you don't love him. You love me, you've always loved me" _

"_Dean...please, we broke up, that wasn't Jess' fault. It could have been anybody" _

"_Rory I know you still want me, I can see it everytime you look at me, everytime you speak to me"_

_He's talking crazy, I don't want him. I probably never truly wanted him. Yes, he will always be an important part of my life, he was my first love. But he's not the one I'm in love with. Not anymore._

"_Dean I don't want you I-"_

_Everything is black, the world starts spinning when his lips are crushed on mine. The old familiar, save taste of the past are entering my body. It is representing everything I turned my back to. __Then it's all over, his lips are gone, the taste too, the save taste left my body...it's wrong, it's oh so wrong, but I want it __He looks like he knows what he's doing when he lifts up my shirt and pulls me into my bedroom. __I get lost in the moment and the somehow expected things happen. __Right before I hear a knock on the door, I straighten my clothes and let Dean out through the back. __What have I done? __When I open the door I see my boyfriend with a face as pale as ice._

"_We're over"_

_The only words he speaks, at first I don't know what he's talking about and then the creepy feeling gets me: What if he saw Dean slipping away? What if he knew what happend?_

"_What? Wha-What do you mean? We're not over!" _

"_We're over, you know why" _

"_Jess no, it's a mistake" _

"_Let me guess...nothing happend we're just friends, we were just having a conversation...I saw what happend Rory!" _"_You saw?"_

"_Well I didn't stick around long enough to enjoy the whole show but what I saw was pretty convincing, so I decided till you were done so you could make some time for me"_

_He must be making some kind of joke, he can't walk away from me, he loves me, I love him. We were suppose to be together._

"_God Rory...what were you thinking? Dean's married for crying out loud! And what about me? I know you might not love me the way I- that way you love Dean but...you know what, just leave it okay. We're almost even now. I hurt you several times and you hurt me...I guess you have one more time for that." _

"_I'm sorry Jess" _

"_Yeah well...whatever"_

_He turns and walks away...leaving me here standing confused about what just happend. It's clear to me but there's something my mind won't get, the fact that he's gone, not completly but he's walking away._

"_Jess wait!"_

_He stops, at the bridge, our place, the place we started and probably the place we end._

"_What Rory?" his voice doesn't sound like his, it's hard and cruel. _

"_Please let me explain" _

"_What's there to explain?"_

"_We... I just wanted to talk to him, to explain about you and me that we are, were, back together but then he kissed me and I don't know, I just-" _

"_Save it okay" _

"_No, I want you to know, it just felt save and secure and those feelings took over my real feelings...the way I feel about you jess"_

_And then I kiss him, trying to fix what can be fixed._

"_No Rory stop it, I can't and I don't want to do this anymore"_

_By the look on his face I can see he's serious about all of this, this is our ending._

"_So I guess this means we're..."_

"_Yes we're over"_

The tight arms around her remind her of that night, when Dean was the one laying right beside her. She never meant for it to happen, she never meant to sleep with Dean. 4.00 AM. She knows she will not sleep tonight, so she releash herself for Chris' grip and lift herself of the bed walking outside and sits down by the pool. Thunder lights up the sky but it isn't the sound that struggles her.

"Can't sleep?"

"Jess"

"Me neither"

"What are you doing here?"

"I live here"

"Oh, right"

They both know this will somehow end in a fight that will be read of their faces in the morning.

"So you and Francis"

"yep, me and Francis"

"She told me about you...I just didn't realize it was you"

"She did? What did she say?"

"Ow just stuff...girl stuff"

"Ow right"

A long and uncomfortable silence makes her shift her feet accross the floor but the hard and expected question paralyzed her.

"Why did you do it?"

Shame colors her face and she's thankful he can't see it. She knows she has to answer his question but the truth is, she doesn't have a proper and logical explanation.

"I don't know"

"Right"

"No Jess, I'm serious. I don't know why things happend the way the did all I know is that I'm still ashamed and sorry for it."

"Rory, there has to be an explanation, you slept with Dean. That's not something you would do when there wasn't an explanation! You told me you needed more time that you weren't ready for that step...you weren't ready for that step with me or did you just wanted to take it with Dean?" "That's not fair! I loved you more then I ever loved Dean"

Something in his face changed, like he was touched by her words.

"I tried to call you but when the phone rang like 3 or 4 times I realized that I had to get over you, move on. I did that Rory, you're no longer a part of my life. You're part of my past and even though things happend that I wished never did happen, they are a part of that past and I'm grateful for them. That's how I met Francis and I love her. You are just the girlfriend of my best friend and that's all you'll ever be"

She felt like he hit her, he just hurt her. Not on purpose, he just told her what she suspected.

"What if I don't want to be your past?"

"What?"

"What if I don't want to be your past? What if I want to be your present and your future"

"Rory no...didn't you hear what I just said: I love Francis! You screw up...once I loved you but that's over now. I don't want you anymore"

How could he be so cruel she thought? How could he say all those things after everything they had been through.

"Jess what the hell is your problem?"

"What my problem is? Let's see...you come crushing into my life again and tell me you want to be my present and my future. I don't need you, I don't want you and I don't love you anymore Rory!"

"Fine!"  
"Fine!"

And she turned to a direction that led her back to the bedroom she left earlier. From the moment she walked away till the moment the alarmclock said it was 7 o'clock, she had been crying and thinking abou what he said hours earlier.

The breakfast didn't go easy, a lot of tension ruled the table. Nobody paid attention to it though. The tension was shattered by a phone call that changed Rory's life in an instant.


	7. Author's Note

Author's Note: Hi everybody, I know it's been quite a while...sorry for that. This is something I meant to write above Chapter 6 but I kinds forgot so it's a little afterwards thing.

Well I could tell you some clues about Chapter 6 but that seems unneccesary since you've already read chapter 6. So what I'm saying is: hope you enjoyed it and please review!

JustSomebodyCalledMe


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